On Dress Codes

Dress codes: Every student learns about these at one point or another. The age at which dress codes are enforced* is determined by the area a school is in and the school itself.

However, I have made note from a young age that while dress codes are in place for both boys and girls, most dress codes focus on the way a girl dresses in school.

In middle school, girls had to have the length of their shorts/skirts/dresses be fingertip length, the straps of their tops needed to be at least three fingertips wide, and no bra straps should EVER be seen. In addition, no article of clothing should have obscene images or words and no head coverings were allowed (except for religious/medical purposes). The consequence of violating these dress codes was to ask the girl to change into her sweaty, embarrassing gym clothes.

Boys had fewer rules about what they were allowed to have on their body. No obscene images or words, and no hats (except for religious/medical purposes). The consequence of violating these dress codes? They were asked to never wear that article of clothing in school again.

“Wait a minute”, you may be asking. “They didn’t have to change their clothes? Even though the were violating the same dress codes that would force a girl to change clothes?” Yes, at least at the school I went to, and I don’t think that this was out of the norm for public schools.

Even when girls follow the stated codes, they aren’t safe from them. I wore jeans to school one day; it was December, my legs would have been cold otherwise. I was stopped in the hall by an administrator and made to change into my gym shorts. The reason given to me was that “[My] jeans were too tight”. Too tight? That isn’t written in the Students Right and Responsibilities Handbook anywhere! They were obviously below fingertip length, they didn’t have obscene words or images anywhere; the only problem that existed was that they were form fitting. Form fitting enough that they showed my still developing, preteen, awkward figure.

In my opinion, dress codes can be harmful to the student, and I’m talking both male and female. For girls, middle school is the time where they’re MOST concerned about how they look. Body image is a big deal at this age (again, this applies to both boys and girls). Getting forced to change into gyms clothes, having to deal with the embarrassment of everyone staring at you for the rest of the day, it’s anyone’s worst nightmare. These kind of dress codes lead girls to the understanding that their bodies are shameful and embarrassing. It’s their responsibility to cover up, or someone will publicly do it for them.

Going back to my personal example, changing into my gym shorts actually showed more skin than my jeans. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong, and was left with a sour taste in my mouth.

Dress codes can be harmful to boys too. It teaches them that girls bodies are something to be obsessed with and objectified. You know when you tell a middle school not to do something? News flash, that makes him want to do it more, just because. I can’t speak too much about the effect dress codes have on boys because I myself am not a boy. But this is what conversations with guys my age have led me to believe.

Middle school is not the time or place to teach people that girls bodies are meant to be sexualized. There is NEVER a time or place for that. There is something seriously wrong when teachers and administrators look at girls that young and think to themselves “The way she is dressing leads me to think sexual thoughts about her.” And I don’t even mean ‘sexual thoughts’ in the way ‘I want to have sex with her.’ I mean ‘sexual thoughts’ in the way ‘I notice that certain body parts, that if shown on an older woman would usually be affiliated with sex, are being shown, and I am uncomfortable about it.’  Stop sexualizing young girls’ bodies.

While some dress codes make sense and are obviously in place for practical reasons (religious/medical clothing, not being able to wear shorts and a spaghetti top in a snowstorm), other dress codes are only put in place to prevent girls from sowing their bodies. And while I agree that there is such thing as ‘school appropriate clothing’, the blame should not fall directly and fully on the girls’ shoulders. Perhaps, if we changed the way we perceived young girls bodies, we would get over our obsession with dress codes.

Feel free to share any thoughts, comments, disagreements/differing views on this topic and any of the others I’ve posted. I realize that the content of my blog as a whole can be very controversial, and I want to have as much clear minded discussion about this as possible.

I will not approve any comments that are derogatory, off topic, or rude.

*Note: I am talking about the dress codes that concern clothes length and strap width, not dress codes about obscene images (maybe another post), head coverings, or clothes necessary for religious/medical purposes.

Early ’60’s Sex Education Textbook for Girls

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for his train. But remember to look you best when going to bed.

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him.

If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husbands wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s.

When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely your husband will then fall promptly to sleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

Would You Eat Here?

“Would you eat here?” reads the copy on the ads. “By law, breastfeeding mothers are not protected from harassment and refusal of service in public, often forcing them to feed in secluded spaces such as public bathrooms. Contact your state and/or local representative to voice your support for breastfeeding mothers, because a baby should never be nurtured where nature calls.”

Why I Need Feminism

I had an extremely thought provoking discussion last night with a guy about feminism. It started off with my explanation of how sexism still exists and is still a relevant issue. From that point, it turned into a ‘he said, she said’ conversation as we compared both of our experiences with sexism. I felt as though, from the very beginning of the discussion, my fears and concerns and worries were being automatically dismissed. The reaction I received from this guy was ‘Well, not ALL guys are like that! And besides, it makes it really hard for guys just trying to be nice or give a genuine compliment’. 

As I tried to explain, even just a little bit, what it felt like to feel judged, and rated, and ‘appreciated’ for my physical appearance day in and day out, both of us realized exactly what I am attempting to do through this blog. 

Change is hard. Change is a time consuming process that requires each concession and compromise to be dragged out of people. I’m not a blind optimist that believes anything is possible if only I believe hard enough. I do, however, want enough change to come about that I can talk about these kinds of issues without feeling persecuted or ignored. 

If I complain to my friends about the customer who came in, admired my breasts, and asked when I got off of work, I want to be able to feel secure enough to feel validated in my fears that one day that man will be waiting for me after work. I should Not have to deal with comments like “What does your uniform look like?” “Did you say anything to encourage him?” or “Just take it as a compliment.”

What I am trying to change about society is the culture that surrounds sexism and how feminists themselves are viewed. As of right now, we are something to be dismissed. We are something uncomfortable and embarrassing to be swept under the rug without really  paying any mind to the problem. What I want to do is change the way society views these issues, and its willingness to solve this problem.

At the end of our discussion, the guy I was talking to was introspective. I hope I conveyed how I feel in a memorable manner. Ordering my thoughts on this issue is very difficult for me; hopefully on this blog it comes across as a little more organized.

I hope that through conversations like those, I will be able to help bring about the necessary change for the treatment of all women

Domestic Violence – Men “Lose Control” (Not Really)

“TW DOMESTIC ABUSE ——When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a f**king wh*re, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:“I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury.”
“I realized one of the children was watching.”
“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
“I could kill her if I did that.”
“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”And the most frequent response of all:

“Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”

These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”

A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.

I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a b*tch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”

The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable….”

—Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Taken from deadwildroses.wordpress.com. Censored in order to fit this school-appropriate blog

On “Mansplaining”

Mansplaining; the phenomena in which a male “dumbs things down” in order to explain things to a female in terms she will understand.

 

Mansplaining is prevalent in our society, even if we don’t always catch it. The idea behind it is that women’s brains aren’t complex or large enough to be able to grasp simple concepts, like men’s brains are. This phenomena is usually paired with condescending nicknames like sweetheart, cutie, darling, or honey.

I hate when people “dumb things down” for me. It reduces my own intelligence in the eyes of other people before I even have the chance to prove it. It’s demeaning and insulting and in most cases, just plain rude. I’ve had an older gentleman explain to me how to use a doorstop. Another time, when a guy handed me a pen to use, he sweetly told me that I had to “click it first before writing with it, ok babe?”

Mansplaining gives guys a chance to appear more intelligent and more capable that their female counterparts. It gives them the chance to be the knight in shining armor. However, they have yet to fully realize, we don’t need one.

The F-Word

Emily Kong

There’s an F-word that has been more sacred in today’s society than the one you’re thinking of. This word is scary, and has the power to drive all types of people away. The word is feminism. According to the dictionary, feminism is “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to men.” That’s a great generalized statement, but let’s dig a little deeper.

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Why Feminism Isn’t So Bad

Feminazi, man-hater, whiney; we’ve all heard it. This is how feminists are typically presented in today’s society. Feminists aren’t taken seriously. We’re taken as a joke, the punchline to a knock-knock joke that everyone’s laughing at. But why? Is our goal that laughable? All we are looking for is to be treated as equals. To be treated as people too.

In a world like today, where women earn 77 cents to the dollar that men earn, why are we assured that there is NO inequality anymore? “Women got their equal rights back in the 1920s,” we’re told. “We gave you voting rights, don’t try to take more than you deserve.”  Is that all that makes up human rights? The right to vote? Granted, its a very good start and here in the United States it’s more than many are allowed. However, it just isn’t enough.